Co-Worker Luncheon

"Hey Billy, my front desk man. Want to go grab a bite with some of us more important employees?"
"Why yes, you oh so important co-worker. I would love to walk to a pizza place and listen to you complain about how you haven't gotten laid for a couple weeks, and how your boss doesn't respect you."

Of course, this situation hasn't come up in my work place, but I'm sure you can understand it. We all pretend to be on big happy family in the office, but really we aren't. We only get to see what others tell us about themselves, so honestly, how do we know what's truth and what's bull? For all I know, my coworkers could all be part of an elaborate spider breeding cult that has plans to take over the world with millions of tiny militia bugs. However, I doubt it based on the intelligence level they exude.

No, we aren't friends. I don't spill out information to them, and they only brag if they feel threatened. So we all sit around, smiling, nodding, laughing, wondering when the stories will end, and that's OK because as we walk back from lunch we are full of pizza and fake camaraderie that keeps us all at a safe distance: our respective desks.

Returning Phone Calls

As I sit at my desk wondering why I expect a return phone call, I suddenly realize I expect one because I think it is the professional and courteous thing to do. Now this might be a wrong assumption of a new desk worker or simply something I've learned from movies, but for some reason, I actually believe it. I mean, why would I take the time to email you, then call, then leave a message, and then leave a message with your assistant, if I didn't expect some type of response. I guess that's just silly of me though. Or maybe you need more time. A week and a half is a short time I guess. The information I need is time sensitive, but you are busier than I, so I should just be patient, right?

And when I called today and found out you were in a meeting, I was overjoyed. For the first time since my attempted first contact, I had confirmation that you were alive and still working for the university. Ya know, maybe your still in that meeting. I mean that was only five hours ago I called. Five hour long meetings are pretty common in our line of work... And the answer to my question will be pretty time consuming. Yes or no questions take a lot of thought. So I fully understand your delay.

Communication has been so simplified for us that maybe you think you answered my question merely by thinking the answer. Maybe.

But probably not. No more likely is your lazy.

Front Desk Blues

I think there is a dichotomy in every work place between people who want to do only their jobs or less and those who want to constantly be working. I like to think I fall in the latter group, but I'm sure we all have moments in both groups. Today, I felt useless. I spent maybe two hours of my seven hour shift working. I tried to be semi-productive with the other 5 hours, but... it didn't go so well. List time!

What productive things did I do?
I proof read the new residence hall handbook, and made a few changes.
I gave the handbook to my bosses supervisor to proofread.
I searched/found more pictures to put in the handbook.
I set-up a possible online form for new student group registration.
I added one student's information into the housing database.

Semi-productive?
I took a lunch break.
I transferred one call.
I sent a mass email to incoming students.
I read some articles on Residence Assistance.
I got the mail.
I ordered my father's Father's Day presents (probably not considered productive according to my contract, but it was to me.)

Not productive?
I was on Facebook.
I was on Ebay.
I'm writing this blog.

I still have another hour to go. I guess I shouldn't complain... but now I have. I hope everyone working right now is having a more productive day than I.

Also, my feet hurt.

The Drunk

I'm sorry guys, I love the happy customer who just keeps getting happier with every glass; and I do love that your bill is quite large, but there needs to be a limit. So some pointers.

When there's more than one of me, you probably should stop.
When the boat is rocking, but we're docked, you probably should stop.
When you try to go behind the bar to 'help' the bartender, you probably should stop.
When you're wife shakes her head as you call me over, you probably should stop.
When your signature is in the middle of your check, you've gone too far.

I think you should have enough to relax and feel it, but if you try to engage me in a conversation with, "I'm juz a teacher, and Barak Obama said thaz the way iz gunna be. You know. So I'll have anuther these." I blink twice before agreeing to get you 'another these' but decide you were close to a thought, so I'll give you the benifit of the doubt.

Oh, and being drunk is not an excuse not to tip. Period.

The Passive Customer

I would like to preface this by saying there is also the passive employee. I don't feel I am one of them, but I understand that they exist. That is not what this post is about though... its about you, the passive customer.

So, you walk in, sit down, and I come over do my little shpeel and ask you what you'd like. If you are fine with water don't say you need a few minutes... say your fine with water. Then when I return to take orders, ask for more time if you need it, don't act like I'm rushing you. Then when I bring your plates or drinks to the table don't sigh like I'm interrupting the most important part of your story... I'm bringing you your food. And when I come to clear your plates, don't say, 'Fine,' like I'm forcing you to give up smoking. DON'T DO THESE THINGS.

As your waiter I want to provide you with whatever you like so let me know. I try to take cues, but if everything I do is sooooooo in your way then just let me know that you'll be getting everything for yourself and will bring it to the kitchen when your done. Please.

Oh, and maybe its just me, but I would rather you not tell me that I did a great job and then leave me no tip... thats just me.

Performance- an FOH requirement

Somebody said, "Why don't you have performer as part of your FOH breakdown?" Well, because at least as far as I'm concerned FOH is one big performance. When I'm sitting at a desk or taking drink orders or selling a product or on stage singing, its all an act. The only thing that changes are the characters. Let me tell you a little about my characters.

When I'm behind the desk I am 'James.' A smile, a laugh, a "not a problem sir, I'll connect you right away," or, "Oh, I'd be glad to send that to you." This is the nice, empathetic person who actually has tuned out the second you called in and has hit auto-pilot. Not that he isn't going to take care of you, but in fact your question is not unique and your needs are actually quite simple. Now when someone walks in and needs something that doesn't fall off his tongue, James jumps into headhunter mode and gets what you need fast. This is the person you hope is on the other end. Not all people share in my attempt at doing my job.

When I'm waiting on tables, I'm 'Sir.' Its not that I didn't introduce myself, or am wearing a name tag, its just that you don't take the time to digest my name. It's fine, you aren't paying me to be your friend, I am just a glorified* servant. (*Glorified depending on wear you work, I've seen some pretty awful uniforms... never work at a place where you have to wear an eye patch.) In this role, I am quick to respond, and quick to please. I'm in and out. No dilly-dally. No small talk. That's what you want. So that is what 'Sir' provides. Please don't forget to tip though, cuz 'Sir' does have bills

Now when I'm giving away products, I'm the '[insert product name here] Dude.' This guy is pretty fun to be. I'm actually a personification of my product. Luckily I don't have to wear the product (poor Mattress Warehouse mascots,) no instead I am the product if it were a human. This is probably why there aren't college campus marketing reps for things like peroxide or female wipes... would you want a human form of that? "Hey Maxi Dude, can you come party at my place tonight?" Yeah, that sounds more like playground slander than product placement...

As an RA, I am James Parks. This is wear I get to be me. Bossy, mean, strict, harsh, cold. I like to roam my halls with a flash light and randomly shine it into peoples rooms to make sure they are not harboring illegal immigrants. Or sometimes, I spend all night waiting for someone to get in the shower late, and turn the hot water off and demand they do the ABCs backwords to prove they aren't drunk or high. Its so nice to be such an influential part of young peoples lives. I only wish they understood that the weekly reading from Anne Frank's Diary is for their own good.

Now, when I am actually on stage performing I have no name. I am whatever you make me. This is where you have complete control and I like it. I hope you understand just how crucial your role in this relationship is. Without you, the audience, I really am nothing. Not only do you bring characters to life, you are living through me, and deciding what is really going on. Its fantastic. When's the last time you went to a play? If it hasn't been for a while, I suggest taking a trip. When you do, don't just vegitate like you do while watching The Real House Wives of Richville, actually be involved in the experiences you're watching. That is after all what you paid for. Not just to watch, but to experience.

Experience, thats what we're all about. Front of house is no different from anything else in that regard. Its all about the experience. I want to give you an amazing one, and you want a good one. So don't forget to let me know how I'm doing... and 20% is customary.

Well, Well, Well

FOH. Front of House. That's pretty much my entire life. I'm a Resident Assistant (front of Residence Life in Dorms,) an administrative assistant (front desk,) a marketing representative (front for product,) and waiter (FOH at its best.) Needless to say I meet a lot of people, represent a lot of businesses, and hear a lot of, well, stupid things. So I'm going to document them. Here. For you.

Today I would like to talk about anniversaries. I get a few at my restaurant and by a few I mean about once per shift. Clearly its original, but who am I to judge on that. In fact I think its awesome that everyone wants to go on a cruise in the harbor for their anniversary, but lets talk about a few do's and don'ts.

Roses. DON'T. We provide them on the boat, but I'm thinking there is better choice for your sweetheart. If she likes roses, fine, but if you've gotten them before, or shes mentioned how she doesn't like them or how she likes another type of flower, or when you watch a romantic movie she gags (and not in a good way) here's the message: DON'T GET ROSES. I'm pretty sure the boat will get you a different type of flower if you request it, and picture this: You board, there are three different couples celebrating anniversaries. Roses are laid on two tables, but on your table is a bouqet of stargazer lillies, blazing white as if a spotlight shone on them. Your sweetheart gasps as she realizes you remembered that those were her favorite, and the other fellas glare at you becuase they just got roses. Great way to start.

Your Song. DO. It is amazing to me at the amount of men who actually are emberassed that they have a song. Guess what? Your song is a public sign of love, connection, and territory. Thats right guys, by having a song you have her marked. I don't mean to cheapen the romatic side of having a song, it is truly romantic, but it has other purposes as well. So grow a pair, tell me (your waiter) to ask the DJ to announce that your celebrating 10 years of bliss and that this song goes out to you. A Whole New World begins to play, and you lead your lady onto the floor while the other men giggle at you two sharing a disney song. Little do they know their ladies wonder why their song isn't getting played.

The Ring. DO. OK, so its an anniverary right? Anniversary of what? Your marriage. And what is the year round symbol of your marriage? Your rings. Now your asking yourself... wait I have to get her a new ring every year? Yes. NO! But there needs to be something. It can be a poem, a picture, a necklace, a bracelet, something that says I Do in a subtle but effective way. Don't be silly about it though. If you always get her jewlery, get her something else; if you never would write a poem, write one. She give you cues you just have to listen... year round.

Now I know economic times are hard. I know that the world is busier now than ever, but for this one day a year don't be bogged down by the world. Don't talk about work or homeland security or your plans to go fishing with your best friend Al. This day symbolizes a union that should be a lifelong union and there is nothing worth more, so show her that nothing is worth more.

And one more thing. As your waiter, I don't want to be a hinderance, so when she goes to the bathroom let me in on the game plan and I'll do everything in my power to assist because that what an FOH employee is all about.

Well, that and tips.